What is to be "FAT"

I had never found difficulty to pen my thoughts, comments or share ideas until and unless if it had nothing to do with my weight. Being over weight all my life I knew no one other than me can ever be better to write ...but it never happened. I was n't bold enough to target my closed arena. Today it happened to be a waiting time for my friend's blog post ( who's I wanted to read first).. . that got the bug in me to open its wings. I was so determined that it would be not of my recent experience that turned philosophical or my inner soul crying out to be heard...this long line would tell how much of hesitation I play upon to arrive at this point...ya I made up my mind to write the biggest biography of my life in this blog... My life as 'The Fattest'.

I was never born fat ...yes an under weight baby ...makes it more funny...yes but thats the fact. I grew up to be fragile. It was the stay in my grandmom's house that changed the world around me..to say... in me. Being the most petted and pampered, I was fed n fed n overfed to be the bulkiest baggage ever in my family. I think they experimented with me.

I knew nothing of its repercussions until I happen to live with it all my life. The real affect started almost during my teens when my mind registered everyone's awe full look at me, some disliked being my friend just because I was fat, mostly my pet names got limited to something that signified fat. I got withdrawn much from real world..all I wondered is what made me fat?..I never left anything unturned to be thin but alas nothing what I want happened.

The most painful of everything started with my high school. My fat look posed me as a tough girl and a ruffian. Never had a chance to have friends. People mostly secluded me and confined me to a girl with a different need. It was during such painful times that a person entered my life to just pass a comment and leave me ever devastated till date. I hardly believe to remember his face but his words are still ringing in my ears. "Ask her to eat less" - never I had eaten overt or tried to fill me up in my life. This comment landed in me when I was actually eating just an idly and an other girl , next to me, who was very thin( a blessing) was eating five idlies. He pointed to her and said eat more baby...while I was asked to cut down on even this one small rice cake.

Never in my life from that moment actually I had eaten or even touched a food or a snack without guilt of over eating. Even a cup of coffee till date alarms my mind of over eating. Psychologically it left me a message...that I never could erase out of my life.

Much of my under graduation and post graduation left me with such messages when teachers, mentors , friends all took equal chances to target me and my weight. never was I in a position to escape. I was everyones best friend when it came to comparison. Literally comparisons were made standing next to me to find how much were they better than me. My dress code was much restricted and thus I got hardly a chance for stage performance.

Of all that happened around me...something cruel happened within me..yes my inferiority complex... I could n't fight its suffocation that was growing in me. What turned out of it is the most beautiful part in my life. I became more empathetic, understanding, approachable,friendly and of all caring. I made it a point to visit the sick room in our hostel..as I knew what it feels to be left lonely. I approached tearful hearts and tried to console them as I knew well what it means to weep and sob in loneliness. slowly my inferiority complex grew to its fullness but every time when the pain crossed my heart and mind, when anyone passed a comment that hurts me the most.. the empathetic person in me tries to understand the meanness in them and started consoling me.

I was ragged to be the one who no other person would want to have a look...but I had such amazing friends both girls and boys , I was pinched with words that would be mean and was spoken of my prospect of getting married to be futile...but I was the one to be married first in my batch. There were people who climbed to any heights possible to keep me low and a recluse...but I never left any quarter unturned..been the Secretary of our department forum, held college union president role, State topper in MIME ..the list is never ending. These all happened not for the beauty of what it should be..participation, but just for a need to stick on to something that proves there is someone 'able' sitting within me covered up with layers of FAT. This was the price tag I had in what ever it made to be...that I know will never and ever change.

I started laughing at me more,crowning myself to be the fattest, over complementing someone's beauty...all just to make sure that they would n't be the startup again. It is better to be self mocking than to be mocked ..I felt I was better with the former.

Painful experiences are part of my life...today I have learnt to live with them but never giving up my inert wish to be fit.

I would have a favour for all who read this post...Physic is part of living but the reality is in the soul. Read the soul, it is more 'living' than ever thought and is more real then ever felt.